


Let's Get Sesshoumaru Laid!

by Kenkaya



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Abuse of Pop Culture References, Character Bashing, Deliberate Anachronism Stew, Multi, Painfully Blatant Cliches, Parody, Sexual Content, Sick Sense of Humor, Sorta Implied Off-stage Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-04 11:30:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/710317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenkaya/pseuds/Kenkaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on Sesshoumaru's numerous romantic possiblities in fanfiction. Or... Kenkaya was sick of seeing a badass composed character like Sesshoumaru get the male fandom bicycle treatment and decided to vent with a shameless parody.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sesshoumaru and Kagome

**Author's Note:**

> I still can't believe I wrote this... 
> 
> Well, several years ago, I was getting tired of seeing a badass composed character like Sesshoumaru get the male fandom bicycle treatment. From that frustration, this sick little piece of humor was born.

xxxxxx

Kagome stirred in her sleep and let out a moan. Her brain pounded painfully against her skull in a heated, erratic rhyme. Now Kagome (being the stereotypically well-behaved schoolgirl she is) had never touched a drop of liquor in her life, but she was suspiciously certain this is what a hangover felt like.

It was then that Kagome managed to concentrate enough through her agony to notice the warm arm draped across her and the silver hair tickling her nose.

Inuyasha? Why is he sleeping with me? Does he…?

At that moment Kagome turned around, expecting anything from an extremely nervous Inuyasha to a naked hanyou.

She certainly wasn’t expecting to see the serene face of a sleeping Sesshoumaru.

Next, she became grossly aware of his nudity… and her… own? At this point, all sane though left Kagome. She was in bed with the lord of the Western Lands. He was nude. So was she. And she was kind of sore…

Kagome then did the only equally logical thing she could do: she screamed bloody murder. 

Sesshoumaru jumped up and grazed the ceiling with his claws like a puffy, scared shitless cat. His sensitive youkai ears rang with the woman’s screams. He immediately jumped back down to the bed to shut the hysterical human girl up. His mind connected with the fact that a human woman was in HIS bed screaming. His observations and thought process were a bit faster than Kagome’s. 

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

The dog youkai abandoned his usually expressionless façade and settled for a look of sheer panic. He could smell the dissipating aroma of sex lingering on himself and the human. And this wasn’t just ANY human. No, it just had to be his useless, pathetic hanyou brother’s wench. And why couldn’t he remember a goddamn thing from last night?! He was acutely aware of a small throb that he recognized as a recovering drug hangover. His remaining arm glowed green. Someone was going to die for this but, first things first…

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED, WOMAN?!” he really wasn’t in the mood for tact.

Kagome sniffled and stared at the imposing figure. She was scared, sore and just lost her virginity to the man (?) who tried to kill herself and the love of her life on numerous occasions. She didn’t know what she should feel through the whirlwind of emotions tearing through her pounding head. So, for lack of a stronger term, she settled for pissed-off bitch mode.

Sesshoumaru watched in horrid fascination as the cowering figure’s face turned from downright fear to outright furious. He continued to stare blankly as she grabbed the nearest solid item (a carelessly positioned Tensaiga lying across his discarded sash) and began mercilessly bashing him over the head with it, sheath and all. He listened in shock as she punctuated each hit with screams of “HENTAI!” with the occasional “Insensitive jerk!” and “Heartless bastard!” thrown into the mix.

Sesshoumaru drew the line at the “Goddamn, horny she-male!” comment. Nobody fucked with his sexuality, especially someone who just fucked him. Without his SOBER consent. 

He grabbed her wrist in mid-swing and pulled her forward until she was inches from his face.

“Question my masculinity again, and I will pull your intestines slowly from your abdomen with my bare claws.”

“EXCUSE ME?!” Kagome bellowed. “I just woke up in YOUR bed. You probable drugged me, kidnapped me, and… and… INUYAAAAAAASHAAAAA!!!!!!!!” she bellowed and broke down into noisy tears.

Sesshoumaru snarled and dropped the woman back on the sheets. He wasn’t going to get any answers out of her.

Inuyasha and crew choose that precise moment to barge in. 

“Kagome!” Inuyasha cried, having heard the girl’s tears. His entire face (and body) slackened at the sight. Miroku oogled, Sango rushed to cover Shippou’s already de-virginized eyes, and Kirara prepared to join Inuyasha in ripping Sesshoumaru’s head off.

“SESSHOUMARU! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! DIE!” Inuyasha shouted as he unsheathed Tessaiga. 

“Do you honestly think I WANTED to bed your HUMAN bitch, HANYOU?!” Sesshoumaru screeched back. 

In yet another case of bad timing, Rin and Jaken burst in after the intruders. Jaken stood petrified with open jaws while Rin took one quick glace at Sesshoumaru’s lower body and ran away screaming at the top of her lungs, “Sesshoumaru-sama’s being eaten by an ah-ni-cone-da!”

Sesshoumaru ignored this and continued with his tirade, “Ask the human, we were both drugged and I woke up to her screaming her FUCKING HEAD OFF! AND SHUT YOUR BITCH UP FOR GOD’S SAKE!” 

Kagome continued crying, loudly, and rocked back and forth on her knees, “I’m not a virgin ANYMORE! I… I wanted Inuyasha to be my FIRST!” 

Inuyasha’s face grew red, “I don’t care if you are innocent, Sesshoumaru! I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING!”

“Then kill the bastard who did this! God, at least she’s acting better about this situation that you did last week.”

Inuyasha stiffened and turned several shades of green.

“Tha… That was real?”

“And what else would it be, BROTHER!”

“I… I thought tha… that… that was a… a nightmare!”

“Afraid not. After you passed out from puking, I dressed you and dropped you off with your companions before you woke.”

Everyone watched wordlessly as Inuyasha walked zombie-like to the wall and began to systematically bash his head against it.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

Sesshoumaru smirked at the hanyou’s antics and quirked an eyebrow. What he was about to do would humiliate him greatly, but Sesshoumaru was not about to let that get in the way of having fun at his brother’s expense.

“Looking for more, Inuyasha?”

Inuyasha stopped and turned several more shades of green before continuing his self-abuse.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!”

“I Wanna Go HOME!” Kagome wailed.

Sesshoumaru turned to the crying girl, frustration written all over his face. Everybody (expect Kagome and Inuyasha, who was still banging his head against the wall) involuntarily stepped back. Sesshoumaru was showing emotion. This did not bode well.

“One more noise out of you, and I’ll puncture a lung. Maybe the loss of air will finally shut you up!”

Inuyasha came to just enough to realize Sesshoumaru had threatened Kagome’s life. He immediately jumped up, grabbed the youkai’s arm and flung his surprised brother into the adjacent wall. He barred the way with fangs flashing at his sibling lying on the ground.

Sesshoumaru lifted himself off the ground with as much dignity as he could muster while stark naked. He was not a happy camper. He shot an amber-eyed glare toward the hanyou and his human. 

“It’s not like the wench has anything to complain about,” Sesshoumaru spat out in anger. This brought Kagome back into pissed-off bitch mode. 

“NOTHING?! Why how DARE YOU! You’re self-absorbed, arrogant, frigid, stuck-up, self-centered, and a pre-mature ejaculator!”

Sesshoumaru stared in stock, Inuyasha’s jaw hit the floor, Jaken remained in the same position, and Miroku said, “Why, Kagome-sama, I had no idea you were into those things,” while Sango attempted to shield what little innocence Shippou had left by covering his ears with the other arm. Kirara was simply at a loss. Kagome slapped a hand over her mouth. 

“I… I honestly have no idea where that came from.”

“I honestly don’t want to know,” Inuyasha replied sincerely. 

“Look,” Sesshoumaru sighed. “I’m not in the mood to deal with this. Take your human bitch and go. Someone obviously has a personal vendetta against one of us and when I find them, I will tear then limb from limb. I DO NOT appreciate waking up next to my brother or his HUMAN woman.”

Inuyasha nodded wearily and scooped a weeping Kagome into his arms. 

“Save some of the bastard for me,” Inuyasha grated as he wrapped his fire-rat haori around Kagome’s nude figure. The group promptly left the bedchamber.

Sesshoumaru flopped back on his bed and seemed to suddenly remember something.

“Jaken,” the youkai lord called.

“Y… Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama!” Jaken bowed, snapping out of his stupor. 

“Go take care of Rin.”

“H… Hai, Sesshoumaru-sama!”

xxxxxx

TBC...


	2. Sesshoumaru and Kikyou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sesshoumaru wakes up yet again with an unwanted bed partner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets sick in this one, beware of the occasional gross-out detail (in other words, clay bodies and sex don't mix well). I really surprised myself with my perversity here. MAJOR Kikyou bashing!

xxxxxx

Sesshoumaru once again aroused from his dream-state with a fuzzy feeling behind his eyes. He felt soft weight against him and knew exactly what had happened.

Alright, who did I sleep with THIS time?!

The smell of moist earth and rotting bones hit his nose with a pungent vengeance. The figure twisted slightly and practically moaned Inuyasha’s name. That was all the clue he needed.

Oh, bloody Hell! Literally!

Kikyou’s eyes fluttered open and she sat up smiling seductively. They both lay in their birthday suits on the forest floor, wildlife tittering around them. The undead woman’s face fell back to its usual frigid mask. 

“I suppose I had to wake up eventually,” she sighed.

“Would you mind explaining that statement?”

“Well, it was easier pretending you were Inuyasha in the moment. And in my dreams…”

“Wait just one damn minute! You weren’t drugged or under any influence aside from your own?” the dog youkai blinked.

“Of course not!” Kikyou chuckled as if the very idea of someone controlling her was ludicrous. 

“Then why the HELL did you sleep with ME?”

“I may be a resurrected priestess, but I was revived by intense passion, more specifically, my hatred for Inuyasha. I do have my frustrations and judging by your frisky behavior last night, so do you.”

Sesshoumaru groaned, “I really didn’t need to hear that last statement.”

“Your wishes are none of my concern,” the clay woman yawned. “I am sated and have no more use to be in your presence. It appears you were not aware of yourself last night. That would explain why you kept calling me “Mama” and asking me to read you a bedtime story in a high-pitched voice,” the deceased priestess cocked her head thoughtfully. “Actually, I found that part kinda kinky.”

“Oh, God. My bastard of a brother was attracted to this… THING?!”

No sooner had Sesshoumaru mentioned our hanyou hero, then his super, sensitive, youkai-powered ears picked up footfalls in the not-to-distant distance (please tell me you see the parody in this sentence.) The intrusion was soon followed by a childish shriek.

“Eww! Inuyasha do you smell THAT?! It smells like something died!” 

“Yeah, it smells like…” the voices quieted, followed by very fast footsteps heading straight in his direction. A familiar female voice shouted, “Inuyasha! Wait!” 

Sesshoumaru immediately proceeded to curse every god and goddess he could think of. When he ran out of options, he just cursed anything that came to mind, starting with the nude, no longer pure by any means, priestess beside him.

“Kikyou!”

The brush concealing the reluctant couple parted open like an atomic blast as Inuyasha skidded to a halt before them. His amber eyes darted from Kikyou to Sesshoumaru, from Sesshoumaru to Kikyou. He rubbed his eyelids in disbelief as his companions crashed through. Their expressions mirrored Inuyasha’s, aside from Miroku who began to give Kikyou the ‘once-over.’ Hey! She was female and nude. What else was he suppose to do?!

“Eewwwww! Kikyou’s NAKED!” Shippou squealed, effectively breaking the ice. Kirara stepped back, finding no immediate reason to get involved.

Sango turned and saw Miroku’s roving eyes. She socked him, hard, and the questionably moral monk fell to the ground chanting, “So many pretty ladies… So many pretty naked ladies…” 

“Ki… Kik… Sesshoumaru… WHAT THE FUCK?!” Inuyasha screamed, finally abandoning reason. 

“Don’t look at ME! Do you really think I WANTED to fuck A CLAY CORPSE?!” Sesshoumaru shouted back. Kikyou looked at him with a slightly hurt expression. Inuyasha was too shocked to care. 

“What the Hell else am I suppose to think?!”

Shippou, being a child, was too observant for his own good and suddenly piped, “Kagome, why is Kikyou melting?”

All attention was drawn to Kikyou’s abdomen which, the adults now noticed, was indeed melting. Drops of peachy glop dripped down her bare thighs to pool in the springy grass beneath her.

“Well,” the priestess began nonchalantly, “my body is made out of bones and clay. When you add a lot water to clay,” she glanced pointedly at Sesshoumaru, “it liquefies into silt. You WERE frustrated…”

Everyone just stared. Inuyasha turned greener by the minute and Kagome paled.

“Oh, my GOD!” the school girl squirmed. “That’s SOOOO DISGUSTING!”

“What?” Sango paused beating Miroku comatose in a futile attempt to end his perverse chanting. Kirara sat guard on the monk’s chest while her mistress was distracted. Kagome vainly clamped two hands over Shippou’s tainted, young ears.

“Sesshoumaru’s semen is causing the clay in Kikyou’s body to… to… EWW!” Kagome ended her statement by pointing at the melting Kikyou. Sango cocked her head.

“What’s ‘semen’?” 

“Uh… um,” Kagome stuttered, looking for a word her naïve friend would understand.

“She means my seed, you stupid wench!” Sesshoumaru snapped. The youkai exterminator blushed redder than a fire rat’s ass and resumed her activity with Miroku.

“Oh, Inuyasha!” Kikyou simpered, attempting to throw herself in his arms. The hanyou stepped back from the dissolving sack of bones and latched onto Kagome for protection. “Let us share one last moment of love, together! As I depart, I can drag your soul into Hell with me and we will spend eternity in each other’s arms!”

“Uh! She left residue on me!” Sesshoumaru whined.

“I… I’ll pass,” Inuyasha choked.

“Inuyasha! Haven’t I always loved you? Even when I made love to Sesshoumaru, I always imagined your face!”

Inuyasha shuttered and Kagome patted his shoulder reassuringly, her own face twisting into nausea. 

“Inuyasha,” Kikyou cooed. “I can read you a bedtime story… Mama might even give you a bedtime snack…”

“Oh, sweet merciful CHRIST!” Inuyasha moaned with a ‘someone-please-run-the-Tessaiga-through-my-chest-and-put-me-out-of-my-misery’ tone. Kagome swayed and had to lean against Inuyasha for support.

“What would you like to eat, Inuyasha-munchkin?” 

“For God’s Sake! SHUT UP, BITCH! You’re disturbing ME!” Sesshoumaru growled. Even Sango and Miroku, who miraculously regained conscientiousness, appeared sickened. Kirara shook her kitten-like head. Shippou didn’t understand the innuendo and stated innocently, “I like it when Kagome gives me bedtime snacks.” 

“I’m… I’m not interested, anyway,” Inuyasha added from his safe haven behind Kagome. Kikyou’s expression hardened.

“So you chose that… that slut instead of me?!”

“Excuse ME?!” Kagome roared. “What did you call me?!”

“You heard me, bitch! I’m sure you wear that ridiculously short kimono to tempt Inuyasha’s hands as well. Can’t snag him on your own without cheaply offering a piece of your ass, I see.”

“Who do you think I am?! Miroku?!” Inuyasha shouted in the background. The girls ignored him.

“Oh, yeah!” Kagome grabbed a nearly full, water bottle from her yellow backpack and twisted the cap off as she stomped over to the now standing, unclad priestess. “Well I have three words for you: GET OVER IT!” Kagome then proceeded to dump the entire contents over Kikyou’s head. 

“How… dare you,” Kikyou sputtered before she realized just what her reincarnation had done.

“Go to Hell!” the modern Japanese girl spat.

“No, you can’t… Inuyasha! My love! I’m melting… meeelllllltinnnng!”

Everyone watched as the annoyingly, impossible to kill priestess was done in by bottled water. Sesshoumaru stared at the oddly colored puddle on the forest floor long after the process was over. He used his remaining arm to grope for his wrinkled clothes off to the side. 

“Someone is going to die very slowly for this,” he vowed.

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

TBC...


	3. Sesshoumaru and Sango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The insanity continues... and Miroku gets to be the noble one for once.

xxxxxx

Sango felt warm. Wincing as a ray of intense sunlight hit her closed lids, she turned over with a suppressed groan. God, her head hurt, perhaps she’d sleep in a little more. Assuming Inuyasha would let her, that is. She felt something soft and warm beside her, instinctively curling up against it. She began to dose off, until a muscled arm wrapped itself casually around her waist, a single hand coming to rest right on the curve of her buttocks. Her mind kick-started into alert mode, automatic assumptions overriding the observation that the hand was actually clawed. 

“HOUSHI-SAMA! YOU GODDAMN PERVERT!” Sango screamed, snapping her eyes open and kneeing the body next to her where it hurts a man most. She jumped up on the bed in fighting stance, giving a fierce battle cry reminisce of ‘Xena, Warrior Princess’ as she prepared to punish Miroku for his insolence. 

Needless to say, she was quite surprised to find her assailant was not a bugged eyed Miroku. Sesshoumaru lay on the bed in a fetal position, clutching his family jewels protectively. His amber eyes glowed with an undertone of deep red.

“What. The. HELL. Was. That. For. Bitch!” Sesshoumaru hissed dangerously, enunciating each word. Sango wasn’t paying attention. Her eyes were too busy scanning his nude form, followed by her own unclad body. A brief connection in her brain analyzed the past days events in comparison to her own. She visibly paled.

“Oh my, God…” she whispered.

At that moment the others burst through the shoji, Miroku in the lead. The monk skidded to a halt, mouth open in paralyzing shock. Sango was standing naked on a bed in battle stance. His eyes blanked, trying desperately to recount every fantasy he had about the exterminator that started with her in this exact position. He secretly stashed the scene safely among them since it was obvious he had not woken up yet. He wanted to be able to enjoy his little musings later.

“S… Sango-chan,” Kagome gasped behind him. Miroku turned to face her in a daze.

What were Kagome and Inuyasha doing in his sexual fantasies?

“Goddamn woman! Did you have to kick me THERE?” Sesshoumaru grunted. Now every guy, as a universal rule, knows what another man means when he says he was kicked THERE. Inuyasha flinched. Not even his brother deserved to be kicked THERE. Miroku winced on reflex. He had a few bad experiences with THERE himself. Kagome just rolled her eyes. It couldn’t possibly hurt THAT much.

“Sesshoumaru… you… you… pervert,” Sango fumed, at a loss for words. 

Miroku did a quick back track right then and there. Forget Kagome and Inuyasha, what the Hell was Sesshoumaru doing in his fantasies?!

“Sango-chan,” Kagome began hesitantly. “Are you alright? We woke up to your screaming and you weren’t in the room. Miroku was with us so we knew it wasn’t him… we thought maybe it was one of the innkeepers sons or something…” 

“DO I LOOK OKAY?!” Sango all but screeched. Miroku examined the scene before him and everything suddenly clicked. Cold fury took over his features.

“Sesshoumaru!” the dog youkai in question looked up to see a monk in a dress was challenging him. “My name is Miroku the Houshi. You violated the love of my life. Prepare to die!” Inuyasha rushed forward in an uncharacteristic display of common sense to restrain the half-crazed monk from pulling an Inigo Montoya. 

“I’ll kill you!” Sango declared with a finger pointed dramatically at Sesshoumaru, apparently unaware of Miroku’s attempted defense of her honor. “By this weapon, Hiraikotsu,” she began groping for the weapon, “I will end your life, youkai!” She turned around, wondering just where her weapon was. There were her clothes, and his, Tenseiga, Toukijin, but no big ass boomerang. “Hiraikotsu!” she cried desperately. “Where’s my Hiraikotsu?! My precious baby! It’s gone! I’m helpless!” Sango broke down in noisy sobs.

“I knew there was something weird between her and that boomerang,” Miroku stated in his normal tone. Sesshoumaru nodded in agreement before the short lived comradeship was forgotten. They glared daggers at each other.

“Miroku,” Inuyasha said from behind the monk. “As much as I’d love to see you pound my brother’s pansy ass, I really don’t think his ass is going to be the one getting the smack down if you try.”

“Nice to know you at least acknowledge my superiority, hanyou,” Sesshoumaru scoffed. “As crudely as you do it.” 

“Shut up!” Inuyasha snapped.

“Hiraikotsu!” Sango wailed. Kagome, feeling pretty damn useless, just scooted discreetly forward to comfort Sango in the background. 

“Now, now, Sango-chan. It’s only a boomerang. I’m sure we can return to your village and you can make another one.”

“It’s not JUST A BOOMERANG!” Sango cried. “I need to punish him! Houshi-sama’s the only person allowed to touch me and live!” 

Miroku was speechless at Sango’s not so subtle confession. Sesshoumaru, never passing up an opportunity to piss off his brother, ruined the moment by reached over to Kagome as she hugged the woman’s shoulders and flipping up her pleated skirt.

“KYAAAAAA!” the schoolgirl shrieked, holding down the raised article of clothing.

Immediately, the arm lock holding back Miroku disappeared. A red and white blur rushed forward, sword already drawn. 

“Do us all a favor and fuck YOURSELF next time, Sesshoumaru!” Inuyasha yelled as he brought down Tessaiga. Sesshoumaru rolled out of the way, inwardly cringed at the mental image that his brother’s taunt had left him with. 

“Much as I hate to disappoint you, BROTHER,” Sesshoumaru spat with obvious, if dry, sarcasm. “I assure you, I am enjoying this no more than any of you.”

“You slept with Sango!” Miroku screamed. “How is that not qualified as enjoyable?! Hell, I’ve been fantasizing about it for months!” 

“Get your perverted thoughts out of the gutter!” Sango shouted on reflex before returning back to her mournful cries for Hiraikotsu. Kagome pat her shoulder in a comforting gesture, scooting to the side out of Sesshoumaru’s reach. 

“And you say I have woman problems,” Inuyasha snorted at the lecherous priest.

“Shut up.” 

“You two can have the wenches. God, I probable smell like one of them now,” Sesshoumaru wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Filthy humans.”

“If you hate humans so much, why do you let that little girl follow you?” Kagome questioned reasonable. 

“Rin is not a human,” Sesshoumaru sniffed.

“Then what the Hell else is she?!” Inuyasha butted in.

“Rin is Rin.”

“That makes absolutely no fucking sense!”

“Uh… I have to agree with Inuyasha, minus the curse words,” Kagome sweat-dropped.

“Hear, hear,” Miroku added.

“Hiraikotsu!” Sango wailed.

“Uh… you’re not over that yet?” Kagome laughed sheepishly.

“Always knew there was something weird about that boomerang.”

“I think you’ve already established that, Miroku,” Inuyasha snapped. 

“And apparently, my plight is no longer any of your concern,” Sesshoumaru sighed. “Has everyone failed to notice that I SLEPT with a HUMAN? Is my pain of no relevance? The woman has absolutely nothing to piss and moan about. If anything, her reputation will be boosted because she had the prestige to ‘pleasure’ the Lord of the Western Lands. Mine on the other hand…”

“Alright, you self-absorbed asshole,” Sango hissed, the youkai’s little speech finally pushing her out of her mood. “First of all, I never had any desire to ‘pleasure’ a man with the body of a female gymnast, not to mention the face to match. Second of all, because of YOU, I’m sore as Hell…”

“Not surprising,” Miroku noted with a clinical tone as he examined Sesshoumaru closely. “Amazing, cut him off at the knees and call him a tripod.”

“Miroku,” Inuyasha choked in a voice that strongly suggested physical sickness. “If you EVER use that phrase again in front of me to describe Sesshoumaru, I’ll rip your Goddamn throat out myself.” 

“Understood.”

“You have to admit,” Kagome said uneasily. “He is BIG where it counts, even if the rest of him doesn’t quite fit…” 

“KaGoMe!” Inuyasha whined.

“Oh, sorry.”

“What’s the matter, hanyou? Afraid your woman will not be satisfied with your measly member now that she’s had a taste of this? I wouldn’t really blame her.”

“My size is not up for discussion!”

“But you can’t match up, can you?”

“Fuck you.”

“Now, now; you’re not to blame for your ‘inept anatomy,’ Inuyasha. It’s all a matter of breeding.” 

“I don’t think you have much basis for that argument, Sesshoumaru,” Kagome interrupted, seeing that Inuyasha was fingering Tessaiga and didn’t seem apt to exchange anymore words. “I was drugged, remember? I don’t remember a thing.”

“You remembered that he was a premature ejaculator,” Miroku offered helpfully. Kagome blushed a deep crimson. 

“Thank you for that wonderful flashback, Miroku,” Inuyasha hissed dangerously through his fangs. 

“My pleasure.”

“For propriety sake, I’m going to pretend I didn’t notice that pun,” Sesshoumaru declared. Kagome’s face, if possible, went redder. 

“I’m SO glad we decided to leave Shippou back in the room with Kirara this time,” she muttered. And on cue-

“KAAAAAAGOOOOMEEEEEE?! Did you find Sango?”

“Oh no!”

“Shit!”

“He can’t see me like this!”

“The flower of youth is shed much too quickly.”

“This should prove intriguing.” 

“Kagome? Sango?” the kitsune halted right outside the shoji which, thankfully, had shut behind them in their mad rush. 

“We’re… we’re fine! Sango’s fine! Don’t come in!”

“Are you sure?”

“VERY SURE!”

“Yes… do you hear me, Shippou? I’m perfectly fine. Just go turn around now and walk back to our room. Pretty please?”

“I smell Sesshoumaru in there!”

The door slid open a crack.

“Fuck!” Inuyasha dove forward to hold the door shut. Naturally, he plowed right through it instead. Shippou stood wide-eyed. Kagome eeped and dashed forward, leading the young kit away. 

“Did Sesshoumaru fuck Sango this time?” a loud, childish voice echoed through the halls. Inuyasha swore, Miroku sighed regretfully, Sango was mortified, and Lord Sesshoumaru merely looked on in amusement. 

“I… I’m leaving,” Sango huffed, picking up her discarded clothing and exiting the room. 

Well, that was interesting.”

“Now, I will kill you.”

“I’ll join you,” a more than fed up Inuyasha seconded. 

“NAKED WOMAN!”

“Everybody, line up. You’ll all get your turn.”

“I HATE MY LIFE!” the distinct voice of a very upset youkai exterminator sounded. 

“Damn it! I have to go help her,” Miroku cursed. 

“I’ll pound him for you!” Inuyasha called as the door closed. He turned around to see the youkai lord, and his possessions, were no longer in the room. “Damn you, Sesshoumaru!” he bellowed. “You won’t get away next time!”

Meanwhile in the woods, a now fully clothed Sesshoumaru strode towards his camp. He really needed to find the culprit and rip him a new asshole before he let out his anger on someone else.

“Sesshoumaru-sama! Oh, Sesshoumaru-sama! I was sooooo worried when I didn’t see you in camp this morning! Did you get into a battle with some vicious youkai? Was it the baboon-guy or that hanyou, Inuyasha? Oh, Sesshoumaru-sama is so strong, bravely defeating such opponents!”

“Jaken.”

“Hai, Sesshoumaru-sama!”

“You are annoying me. Die.”

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

TBC...


	4. Sesshoumaru and Miroku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the guys' turn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to start off by saying I'm not the biggest fan of yaoi... especially not in this fandom. I have nothing against it and will read one if the story's good/VERY highly recommended (though all the exceptions I've enjoyed have been in other fandoms). So, yes, I will be making fun of this subject in a perverse (possibly insulting) way but it's all in good fun.

xxxxxx

Miroku woke up from one of his better dreams. 

A slim, feminine figure was lying, skin-bare in bed next to him, twisted sheets hinting at much more intimate activity. His head pounded suspiciously, and he didn’t remember having enough sake at dinner last night to intoxicate him, but who was the hentai houshi to pass up such obvious good fortune? With a content sigh, he turned in the sheets and felt corded muscle along the bicep. He grinned in his sleep. Muscular arms could only mean one thing, Sango. Not that he would have minded if it had been the random woman he was use to, but nothing brightened up a day more than waking next to your not-so-secret love interest. He smiled widely, draped a hand casually over her chest and gave a not-so-subtle squeeze. 

Squish. Squish?

What the…?

Now, Miroku may not have been exactly the most pious monk around, but he did have his standards when it came to bed partners. One of which required the woman to at least have SOME form or other of cleavage. Just how drunk was he?

That question was answered when a very masculine groan emitted from the warm body, followed by Miroku becoming painfully aware of regions of his body which should not have been sore. He opened his violet-blue eyes warily, already having come to his own conclusions privately. Upset would have been an understatement when he found they were correct. 

Long white hair pillowed around them, forming a soft cushion that Miroku would have found much more inviting if the owner had been female. But no, he, Miroku “the pervert” Houshi just had to be stuck in bed with Lord Sesshoumaru, youkai ruler of the Western lands, and he certainly did not find their current position appealing in the slightest.

The effeminate man beside him stirred, groaning from what Miroku suspected was a pounding headache similar to his own. His nose twitched twice at the scent of the young human male laying next to him. One word left his lips.

“Fuck.”

“Yes, you seem to be doing that a lot lately,” Miroku shot sarcastically, obviously not feeling enlightened by the experience. Sesshoumaru opened dangerously flashing amber eyes and proceeded to stare down the contemptuous monk.

“Not another word, human, unless you wish me to remove that which makes you a man,” Sesshoumaru sneered, an embittered scowl twisting his features.

“Oh, believe me, it feels like you’ve already done that quite thoroughly,” Miroku scoffed back, distress over his current predicament far outweighing survival instincts at the moment. 

“Hey Miroku you ready to get,” the door slid open to reveal a dog-eared hanyou, his classic scowl twisting into a look of shock and disgust as he barely managed to finish his sentence, “going?” 

“Is something wrong, Inuyasha?” Kagome’s head popped over his shoulder, her features contorting as she muttered, “Not again.” 

As far as Miroku was concerned, only one thing could possibly make the situation worse, and she appeared next to the way-too-obvious couple, Kirara perched on her shoulder. Maroon eyes widened.

“Houshi-sama?”

“So much for dispersing that ominous cloud,” Inuyasha deadpanned with an I-knew-your-karma-would-catch-up-on-you-someday look. Shippou trotted into the room behind them yawning. Kagome eeped and reached over to cover his eyes, futile as the action was. Miroku didn’t miss the kit’s awed exclamation of, “Whoa! I didn’t know two men could do that to each other!” 

Shippou’s innocent comment, coupled with Sango’s horrified expression, was enough to send our lovably-victimized monk over the edge. He leapt off the bed (exposing both occupants in the process) and ran to the center of the room. Pausing dramatically for effect, he lifted his cursed hand (coincidentally, the only covered appendage on his person) palm facing inward. A solitary tear leaked from the corner of his left eye, mysteriously stopping mid-trickle as it rounded the perfectly hollowed contour of his pale cheek. The painful screech of a criminally un-tuned violin filtered through the air from outside: making the feudal residents halt to offer a prayer of mercy for the dying animal and leaving Kagome alone to wonder just how the Hell a violin ended up in 16th century Japan anyway. 

“I can not go on!” Miroku bellowed at last, a shaft of sunlight penetrating the screen to frame his hamlet-esque figure. “Goodbye cruel world! I now move on to better things. KAZAANA!” 

“Damn it, Miroku! Wait!” Inuyasha shouted as he rushed in from behind, grabbing the rosary before our tragic hero… uh… sidekick/companion could fully remove it. An inevitable battle for dominance ensued.

“Just let me die, Inuyasha!”

“C’mon, Miroku! Think about this!”

“I don’t want to!”

“Then stop being so fucking impulsive!”

“Impulsive!” Miroku shrieked. “I just got butt-raped by a gender confused poodle the size of Ferdinand the Bull and you say I’m being impulsive!” 

“Now, now. This isn’t solving anything, guys,” Kagome attempted to defuse the situation while being pointedly ignored. 

“Did he just call me a ‘gender confused poodle’?” Sesshoumaru blinked, seconds shy of cracking his knuckles.

“Well… then why don’t you do something!” the schoolgirl fumed, frustrated at her lack of progress.

“And what, pray tell, would be the point of that,” Sesshoumaru heaved a cliché sigh as a piano solo inexplicably floated around the chaotic room. “I want him dead as much as he does.” 

“Butt… raped?” Sango muttered, effectively breaking the tension between the two. Realization finally hit and her face briefly flashed through all the colors found on a Christmas tree. “T… then… that’s how… OH GOD!”

“Is something the matter, Sango?” Shippou asked with genuine concern.

“T… that’s how they do it,” she whispered fearfully, her skin settling on a puke-ish shade between red and green. “It’s just… Oh My God!”

“You mean you didn’t know that?” Kagome sweat-dropped. Then again, she thought, it was probably going to take a few more generations of cultural in-breeding to birth the yaoi fandom.

Shippou cocked his head quizzically between the innuendo inclined females. Suddenly, his mouth flopped open like a fish and his pallor flushed to match the exterminator’s. The kit made a hasty exit upon processing the newfound information, clutching his trouser bottoms firmly as he scurried out the door. Kagome just barely made out his fading scream from down the hall.

“I’ll never use the bathroom again!”

The modern girl released a deflated sigh, wondering off hand just how much therapy the poor boy would need to get over this whole ordeal. The way things were heading, the group was going to have one seriously screwed-up kid on their hands. Kagome just hoped he wouldn’t still be blaming them when he was two-hundred years-old.

The image of an adult Shippou traveling to Germany, sitting on a couch recounting his life story while Sigmund Freud sat in a corner blindly diagnosing sexual repression as the cause of all his woes, sent her into a fit of hysterical giggles. Sesshoumaru stared at the two (one doubled over with laughter, the other wailing like a banshee) and came to the logical conclusion that human women were insane. 

“Let go, Inuyasha! Must you deny me what little dignity I have left?”

Sesshoumaru immediately turned his attention to the more entertaining, and surprisingly less disturbing, antics of his brother and the suicidal monk.

“Dignity?! The way you scam innkeepers and chase women I wasn’t aware you had any!” Inuyasha shouted, obviously beginning to lose his patience.

“Another man violated me! I want to die!”

“Oh for the love of… and why am I the one who always ends up holding you?” the hanyou threw his arms up in disgust. “Screw this! Sango can handle your pansy ass!”

Miroku flinched at the words ‘screw’ and ‘ass,’ sliding to the ground as soon as Inuyasha let go. Rocking his knees back and forth on the hard wood floor, Miroku did the last thing anyone expected of him.

He cried like a pink-haired chibi.

“Houshi-sama!” Sango called out, moved by the arching waterfall of his tears. She ran to his side immediately and wrapped her arms around him reassuringly. Somewhere in the not-too-far-off distance, a lone acoustic guitar strummed in on an E minor chord. “Don’t cry, Houshi-sama! You’ll always be a pure soul in my eyes.”

“Sa… Sango-sama,” the monk hiccupped, returning her embrace without hesitation. “Oh, Sango-sama! I don’t deserve you!”

“Of course not. You can’t keep your hands off anyone else,” Inuyasha grumbled before being soundly whacked over the head by Kagome. 

“Be quiet, Inuyasha! They’re having a ‘moment.’” 

“Now?!” 

“Yes, now! You never know when the mood will hit after all.”

“You and that Goddamn ‘mood.’” The hanyou mumbled.

“And this is exactly why you don’t get any,” Kagome sighed. Inuyasha turned to her, mouth agape, watching in shock as the girl slapped a hand over her mouth. “I mean… I… you didn’t hear that!” 

“Do those two like each other?” Sesshoumaru asked, pointing to the other pair in the room. Much as his brother’s density and the girl’s flustered reaction amused him, their conversation was heading in a direction he definitely didn’t want to be present for. 

“Uh… yeah, they do,” Kagome answered, being the first to come to her senses. “But they’re always at odds because Miroku happens to be a codependent pervert and Sango’s as naïve as a cloistered nun.”

“Ah, I see. An unlikely pairing, but it works.”

Miroku chose that particularly opportune moment to slip his hand down and give Sango’s ass a nice, long stroke. The exterminator’s face instantly slackened. By chance, she spotted his discarded staff nearby from the corner of her eye. The monk was too busy feeling her up to notice her reach for it.

“HENTAI HOUSHI-SAMA NO BAKA!” she hollered before bashing him over the head repeatedly with his own, over-compensated stick. Kirara (who had remained decidedly neutral through the entire affair) jumped to her mistress’ aid and mauled the offender’s exposed ankles. 

“I AM RESTORED!” Miroku crowed triumphantly as he fell to the ground unconscious. The enraged woman continued to beat him senseless even after he fell. The other three simply watched in awe. 

“That one never learns, does he?” Sesshoumaru remarked casually.

“Oh he learns, alright,” Inuyasha snorted. “He’s just fucking stupid.” 

“Amen to that,” Kagome muttered as the show went on. 

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

TBC... ?


End file.
